One of the scariest verses in the Bible for husbands is found in 1 Peter 3:7: “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
The scariness of the verse is that Peter says something we probably can’t imagine: God stops listening to the the prayers of a husband who is careless with his wife. You might be tempted to think that’s a little too literal a reading of that verse. Perhaps. But don’t go too far from that interpretation. A failure to understand and honor your wife is no small threat to divine fellowship and prayer.
Think through the particulars of how husbands dishonor their wives?
- Infidelity and Aloofness – The most obvious way to violate this commandment is to simply not be content to dwell with her, particularly by being unfaithful through adultery or pornography or even by physical or emotional detachment. Cutting her off from your affection and sinning against your marriage covenant guaratees suffering. Consider David in Psalm 32:3–5 “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’— and you forgave the guilt of my sin.” David’s adultery and related sins destroyed his relationship with his heavenly Father. How could he possibly pray and and praise God or ask God for anything before repenting?
- Disrespect and Denigration – Some men disparage their wives by mocking them publicly or complaining about them privately. But a man who tears down his wife tears down himself. Paul’s words in Ephesians are telling – “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church…let each one of you love his wife as himself…” Eph 5:28–29, 33. By making yourself an enemy of the church (for whom Christ died and to which your wife belongs) you curry no favor with Christ as Paul himself learned (Acts 9:4). Would you expect a man who is at war against himself or against the church of Christ or against Christ to be well-received at the throne of grace? Of course not. But the man who is tearing down his wife is truly tearing down the body of Christ and is guilty of all.
- Criticality and Comparison – Almost all me can be heard at one time or another being critical of their wive’s “womanly” qualities. As a man have you ever heard yourself say, “Are you really getting that emotional over this?” or “Seriously? You can’t even open a jar of peanut butter?” There is striking similarity between that attitude and the attitude of the self-righteous Pharisee in Luke 18:9-14. He prayed, “‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men…” At least the Pharisee was priding himself above sinners: “extortioners, unjust, adulterers, …tax collectors.” You would think he had a decent leg to stand on before God, but Jesus is quite clear that a man who so prays, God rejects. Given that the Pharisee’s comparison was to so notorious a crowd, how much worse then is it for the husband who is contemptuous of his wife, not for being a notorious sinner, but just for being a woman acting according to the design capacities God has given her.
- Ignorance and Unawareness – Finally, husband’s need to heed the call to “live with your wives in an understanding way,” literally, “according to knowledge”. An old friend of mine put it this way, “You should understand all women in general and your woman in particular.” Her owner’s manual comes from a knowledge of God’s word, the accumulation of wisdom, and a study of her in particular. There are several routes to this but all of them require intentionality, observation, and (what she really appreciates) a little warm interrogation. For example, ask such questions as, “What is it that I do that you like best?” or, “What is something I could do that would make you feel more loved?” Women are big fans of those questions. In so drawing out of her (Proverbs 20:5) you’ll be able to bless and honor her. “Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the LORD; be assured, he will not go unpunished. By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the LORD one turns away from evil. When a man’s ways please the LORD, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” – Proverbs 16:5–7.
For believers it goes without saying that we want our prayers to make make progress and to succeed. For men, the barriers to that success are easily constructed by themselves in their own house. If you find your prayers and prayer life suffering, go home and evaluate your love for the woman God gave you. And if you find the relationship suffering and your wife unloved, then repent and heed the words of the angel to Ephesus: Revelation 2:2–5 “‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name’s sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.” It’s a lesson for the church well learned and applied by careful husbands.
Scotty is a native of Santa Anna, Texas. He graduated from the United States Air Force Academy in 1994 and completed his Masters of Divinity at Greenville Presbyterian Theological Seminary in 2005. Scotty’s Air Force service of eleven years included time as a Security Forces Officer protecting nuclear weapons and also instructing at Officer Training School before being called into pastoral ministry. He and his wife Kerry are parents of three children, Clayton, Avery, and Grace.
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